by Paul Greenberg
Jan. 2: The indulgences of the winter feasts are at an end, and I have arrived at Everest Base Camp along with my Life Fitness Elliptical Cross Trainer.
My Sherpa guide, Dorjee, joined by his extended clan, gaze in wonder as I mount the apparatus and bring the instrument panel to life. Dorjee points at the “calories burned” meter, which reads a dismal “zero,” and shakes his head. Laughter.
Jan. 5: The Himalayan village is atwitter with my activities as I acclimatize, first with care-free “Foothills,” then more strenuous “Rockies,” and finally breathtaking “Kilimanjaro.” A group of Swiss climbers passes by and snickers. But I can only laugh in return at the meager task that these portly fondue-eaters have set for themselves. To merely climb the tallest mountain in the world is child’s play.
Jan. 6: It is time to activate the Life Fitness Elliptical Cross Trainer’s Virtual Trainer. Her snow white form appears in a corner of the screen and beckons me forward. I feel Dorjee behind me, looking over my shoulder, nay, looking through me, into her glimmering eyes. But when I tell him to assume the portage position, he bridles.
“A man must never hide his face from a woman,” he says.
“But the Life Fitness Virtual Trainer is no woman,” I tell him. “She is a guide and an inspiration.”
“She is… goddess?” Dorjee asks.
“Sort of.”
